You are not a machine.

Hey everyone, newsflash: you are a human! Unless you're some other life form that has developed the ability to read English (in which case: how awesome!), chances are that you're a human. Big surprise, I know.

Okay, okay, you already knew that. But do you know what that means? Well, a whole lot of things, but what I want to talk about today is the fact that you are not a perfection machine. You have faults. You make mistakes. You have emotions and thoughts that not everyone approves of. But you are absolutely, positively, 100% entitled to all of that, and more! You are not infallible, and that is totally okay. If that weren't the case, you wouldn't be a human! There is no reason that you need to apologize for having feelings, for changing your mind, for being different, for being honest, or for doing things your own way.

I've seen a lot of people, myself included, live in fear of making a mistake. And let me tell you right now-- that's a really stressful way to live. Why? Because you're going to screw up. It's bound to happen. Accept it, understand that we all do it, and embrace the freedom of the thought that you are allowed to make all the mistakes you're going to make. The world will keep on spinning, whether you screw up or not.

I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad-- much the opposite! We are human beings, not perfect machines, designed deliberately to do no wrong. We generally don't enjoy the feeling of failure, but that doesn't mean that it's never supposed to happen.

Sometimes-- okay, a lot of the time, other people make us feel like we should be perfect, intentionally or not. Your family might praise your consistent successes, someone near and dear to you might admire you or call you superman/superwoman, your boss might think so highly of your abilities that he or she gives you extra work or responsibilities that you just can't handle. You might feel like you don't want to let these people down, so you become afraid of making an inevitable mistake at some point or admitting that you've reached your limit. All this will do is cause you more stress! At other times, we have people in our lives who we may or may not even like, overtly telling us that we shouldn't screw up. You were accepted into this program, so you should be able to handle all the work and get top grades. You're a hard worker, so you should be fine with this extra work. But you know what these are? They're assumptions about you, and they may or may not even reflect reality. Only you can decide for yourself whether assumptions like these are true or not. No one else has that great a command over or understanding of your own life.

I want to share with you all an excerpt from a reading on assertiveness that I came across. The concepts here are really simple, but I found them to be incredibly empowering.

Mistaken, Traditional Assumptions and Your Legitimate Rights 

• Assumption: It is selfish to put your needs before others' needs. || Reality: You have a right to put yourself first sometimes.
• Assumption: It is shameful to make mistakes. You should have an appropriate response for every occasion. || Reality: You have a right to make mistakes.
• Assumption: If you can't convince others that your feelings are reasonable, then they must be wrong, or maybe you are going crazy. || Reality: You have a right to be the final judge of your feelings and accept them as legitimate.
• Assumption: You should always try to be logical and consistent. || Reality: You have a right to change your mind or decide on a difference course of action.
• Assumption: You should be flexible and adjust. Others have good reasons for their actions, and it's not polite to question them. || Reality: You have a right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.
• Assumption: Things could get even worse. Don't rock the boat. || Reality: You have a right to negotiate for change.
• Assumption: People don't want to hear that you feel bad, so keep it to yourself. || Reality: You have a right to express pain.
• Assumption: When someone takes the time to give you advice, you should take it very seriously. They are often right. || Reality: You have a right to ignore the advice of others.
• Assumption: Don't be anti-social. People are going to think that you don't like them if you'd rather be alone instead of with them. || Reality: You have a right to be alone, even if others would prefer your company.
• Assumption: You should always have a good reason for what you feel and do. || Reality: You have a right not to justify yourself to others.
• Assumption: When someone is in trouble, you should help them. || Reality: You have a right not to take responsibility for someone else's problem.
• Assumption: You should be sensitive to the needs and wishes of others, even when they are unable to tell you what they want. || Reality: You have a right not to have to anticipate others' needs and wishes. 

(The above was excerpted from the Stress & Relaxation Workbook by Martha Davis, PhD, Elizabeth Robbins Eshelman, MSW, and Matthew McKay, PhD.)

So go out there, make your mistakes, accept your faults, and enjoy being a human and not a machine!

Mahalo, everyone!

Angry Face!

 

Generally, I'd consider myself a pretty chill person. Not a lot can phase me. It takes quite a bit to get under my skin, but when that happens... oh, boy. Oh, boy. I go angry-faced, big time. 

We've all got moments like that, right? Moment where we feel like we've reached our very last limits-- we've put up with everything for so long that something finally pushes us over the line. And then we become a walking rage machine of a human being. Anyone who happens to be in our way really ought to take cover. (On a side note, if you've never read Sneaky Hate Spiral from Hyperbole and a Half, go, NOW. It illustrates this rage rampage perfectly-- not to mention hilariously.) 

But you know what? Being angry is such a drag.

It feels good for a tiny, tiny period of time-- to finally let that anger that's been building up out. But I hate the anger hangover that always happens after an outburst. It's not a comfortable feeling. Whether it's feeling like an asshole for blowing up like that, or just carrying around that negative energy-- it never really feels good to be angry.

So I try to do something about it before it gets to that point.

I like to think of anger as a symptom of an illness.

When we feel like we've caught something, we usually rush to curtail the symptoms before it gets worse. We take medicine, we rest-- we take care of ourselves.

Try taking the same approach with anger. Think of your angry thoughts as a disease. They get in your body, and like a fever, they cloud your thinking. They can make you sick and dizzy. Your heart starts to race, your blood feels like it's boiling... yikes. If we caught a virus that caused the same symptoms, wouldn't we seek medical help?! 

So, next time you're starting to feel that rage starting to build up inside you, think of it that way! Anger is like a nasty little virus, and you should get some effective treatment to get rid of the discomfort as soon as possible!

Mahalo, everyone!

It's time to break up with anxiety.

Stop worrying yourself to death.

No, seriously. Stop it. Don't look at your computer screen with that little, knowing smile, and think to yourself that you will as soon as that test/dissertation/giant project/relationship/family gathering is over with. It isn't doing you any good.

I like to think of myself as a reformed neurotic. I used to be the biggest worrywart on the planet until I realized that it was getting me nowhere. In fact, it was leading me further away from my goals and isolating me, in the end. But this isn't my story of personal triumph. Actually, the truth is... I still relapse into my worrywart tendencies every now and then. Old habits die hard, you know. But it's in those times that I step back and remind myself that worrying until the point of insanity is never a healthy practice.

Anxiety itself is not a novel and bizarre concept. Everyone experiences it. If you're 100% worry-free (and be honest with yourself here!), there's probably something wrong. As genuine human beings, it's totally normal to be anxious from time to time. It is a completely normal reaction. But so is fear. So is anger. So is surprise. If we overdo any of these, we're going to wear ourselves out.

Halloween was just last weekend, so let's take fear as an example. Imagine you walk into a really good haunted house. You're plodding along, and out of nowhere, this haggard-looking guy pops up and brandishes a bloody knife in your face. This (hopefully!) does not happen to you often in your daily life. So, when you see this, you might scream, jump, tense up, or even try to run away. But after your body has calmed down from the shock and your logical brain has taken over again to help you understand what's going on, the fear will most likely pass. You'll probably loosen up, and you might have a laugh at your own reaction. And then you'll continue on your way. My point here is that it's intense for a brief moment, and then you relax. 

Now, imagine walking around the world being frightened like that all the time. You almost run into a lady and her little chihuahua as you're walking along-- ahhh! You missed your morning train-- I'm gonna die! You can't decide what to eat for dinner-- life is over! Aside from how ludicrous this would be, I'm sure you can imagine how exhausting it would be to live like this all the time. I'm tired just thinking about it!

While it's easy to laugh about things like this, we are, unfortunately, in a world where constant anxious behavior is considered normal-- even expected and encouraged at times! What I don't understand is why we seem to think that this is okay. I'm in graduate school right now, and the anxiety culture here is omnipresent. The general belief is: if you're not worrying about something, then you're probably doing something wrong. And you're probably going to fail out of grad school, and subsequently fail at life. Forever. It's ridiculous, and I'm sure that this kind of culture exists in other settings that all of you are involved in-- whether it's high school, your job, or your family.

So what can you do about it?

As optimistic as I can be, I know that I can't change society's perception of stress all on my own. But what I want to see is people taking it easy. I've had friends and family members alike succumb to the pressures of constant stress, and let me assure you, it never, ever turns out pretty. Some people get a little extra motivation out of working under stress, but if you put too much stress on anyone, they're going to collapse eventually. When that happens, we're not happy, and we are certainly not productive. Our jitters don't lend themselves to good quality work. We're so focused on getting away from the unpleasant experience of stress that we scrape by.

This does not bode well for our stress-focused society. A bunch of stressed out people working themselves to the bone leads to the opposite of what we want. Quality? What quality?! I did what you asked! I don't have enough time or energy to do any more than that!

So take it easy. Stop worrying yourself to death.

When you feel those telltale signs of stress creeping up on you, and you find yourself snapping at your partner, chewing away on your fingernails, or however else you personally react to stress-- notice it, and take action to stop it in its tracks. Take a break and indulge in your favorite stress-free activity. Realize how silly stressing out is! Acting like this all the time is going to leave you unhappy and totally worn out. Who wants that?

It's going to be hard, and it's much, much easier said than done, of course. But that doesn't mean that it can't be done.

I wanted to start off this blog with this entry because a lot of my entries are going to be focused around this topic-- how important it is to relax and be attentive to your needs. I'll be posting new ideas for relaxation, mindfulness, and self care that will hopefully come in handy for this purpose!

In the meantime, one of the best things you can do is to start paying attention to yourself. Observe how you react to a lot of stress so you know what signs to look out for and when you've reached your limit. Once you've discovered this, you're already on your way to pummeling excess anxiety right into the ground! Get excited-- this is going to be a battle to remember!

Mahalo, everyone!